Katie Kieffer wrote an article about resolutions or, as she called them "pledges" for liberals.
She is spot on in claiming her list is "comical", so in the same spirit, I'd like to rebut her list with one for the so-called "conservatives".
1.) Resolve to spend time with gays. I have Republican friends and family members who would rather shoot themselves than be in the same city as a gay person. Gays really, really scare them. But gays aren't infectious. Their laughter may be, but their homosexuality isn't. It's been medically proven that you can't catch teh gay from homosexuals.
Banning homosexuality will not stop people from being born homosexual. Doing so makes us more vulnerable to hatred, unkindness, cruelty, and throws us back into a Dark Age of Unenlightenment. We need homosexuals for their humanizing effect on the rest of us, for their hard work, humor, taxes, and contributions to science, art, and literature.
By spending time around homosexuals and people of various gender presentations, I think Republicans will realize that a penis isn't an uncontrollable single use tool, and a lack of a penis isn't a life sentence to drudgery, and possession of a penis or a vagina isn't going to automatically turn anyone into teh gay.
I think Republicans will realize that homosexuals are worthy human beings, deserving of the same care and consideration as they expect for themselves.
MaikeH mentioned that you should "realize how many gay people you already know and that they have never tried to recruit you."
Harsh lesson, I know, but it gets easier.
2.) Resolve to stop watching Fox News, Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, Coulter, Malkin. Their hyperbolic fear-mongering negative attitude is ruining your day and you do not even realize it. At a minimum, admit that their shows are rooted in ratings, money, fear, and hyperbole and not facts, or real news.
3.) Resolve to eat a real salad. Just one. If you prefer, choose a salad from a regular grocery store and make it up yourself. Use at least 3 different types of greens, add chopped vegetables, some crunchy nuts, and maybe a scatter of fruit in it. I guarantee it won’t kill you; it will leave your tastebuds dancing in joy and give you a renewed sense of accomplishment. Your body will thank you for the greens, and your spirits will soar. There's more to life than bread and meat - a whole wonderful world of colorful, tasty food. Why limit yourself to eating brown, when you can also eat a rainbow of delicious fruits and vegetables?
4.) (I'm sorry, I'm laughing at #4 too hard to write a decent rebuttal to it - the liberals were the first to question the safety of the TSA scanners...)
5.) (And #5 just has me wiping laugh-tears from my eyes - almost every liberal I know owns land and they're farming it, growing a rainbow of tasty, tasty fruits and vegetables, dairy goats, chickens, and meat rabbits when Republican laws don't forbid them from doing so - what are those Republicans doing with their land - stockpiling inedible guns and bullets on it? What a waste of land.)
6.) Resolve to treat a Republican to a trip to Europe. Be sure to take them touring by train and bus, and stay at a couple of Youth Hostels. They’ll realize public transportation can be cost-effective, allow them to make new friends as they converse and do work while someone else worries about traffic, and they'll get to work or home or shopping free from stress. When they return home, they'll wonder why they have those faked out Hummers and gas-guzzling SUVs and Ford F750 mega-monster trucks in their drives - all that expense in brakes, oil changes, gasoline...what a savings in time, mental health, safety, car repairs, and space - think of the awesome play room they could build in that former garage.
7.) (For Republican ladies) Resolve to change your own lightbulbs, unclog your own toilet, change the lock on your door, or some other small act of home repair. Doing this small act of repair is actually empowering—not demeaning—because it shows that you appreciate a job well done, and that you aren't helpless and can indeed do things for yourself. It's the first step in becoming a woman and learning to think for yourself, and that's not a bad thing at all. While you're at it, at the next election, vote the way you want to, not the way your father, husband, or son tells you to vote.
8.) (For Republican guys) Resolve to take control of your penis. If you allow your penis to go where it's not wanted, then you, not your penis, not the person you violated with your penis, are responsible and must accept the consequences. No victim blaming, no trying to claim that because one woman lied all women are liars. And while you're at it - pay the child support. Until then, you're just a guy, not a man.
9.) (I'm laughing too hard at this one, too - the Republicans have enacted some of the stupidest laws - are they really advocating that we break them instead of working to change them? Really? That's, that's - I can't I'm melting onto the floor with laughter....)
10.) Resolve to save endangered adults. Encourage your friends to respect life - all life. Stop with the mandatory motherhood acts, and realize those cute little fetuses grow up into gun-wielding maniacs because you won't feed them, educate them, or provide them with adequate health care as they grew up. We have to make sure the living are well cared for before we bring even more people onto the planet. Humans are far from being an endangered species, and we need to consider how to care for the already-born in this over-populated world. Advocate for birth control, family planning, and realistic sex education in schools.
11.) (OMG - this is just TOO FUNNY - I can't come up with anything to equal this at all. I could make a stab at the earlier funny resolutions, but this one, OMG, OMG - I can't stop laughing. I'm going to go get a cup of tea - not the kind made with tea bags filled with the dust and leavings on the floor when real tea is cleaned and dried, but real tea, made from whole tea leaves.)
petesmom came up with a good one for #11: "Resolve to remember the mess in Afghanistan when NeoCons start agitating for a war with Iran. Do you really think the people of Iran won't be united by an attack on their country? Have you forgotten how the 9/11 attack on our country united Americans? Try to remember that citizens of other countries are just as proud, and love their countries just as much, as we do. It will help you to make better decisions about foreign policy."
12.) Resolve to read. May we suggest The Oxford Book of Modern Science Writing edited by Richard Dawkins as a start? It really is a light foray into reality, not too much to start with. You might be surprised to realize just how fulfilling it is to know what reality is like. It's wonderful, full of exciting new vistas, and such opportunities!
Feel free to add more, or offer new suggestions. This is just too fun - I haven't laughed so hard in weeks.